Hard Lessons: Love

Kim Tran
Jun 7
5 min read

Written by Kim Tran

"You cannot convince people to love you. This is an absolute rule. No one will ever give you love because you want him or her to give it." - Cheryl Strayed

I don't know how it happened, but around the time I turned 22, it was like the heavens opened up and the gods decided to bless me with more beauty.

I lost 30 pounds, my skin cleared up, my hair was long, dark, and luscious. I had my first adult job at the Casino working in the finance department.

I was a brand new women.

I finally felt ready - ready to go out there and dominate the dating world.

Or so, I thought.

I was a late bloomer. Unlike a lot of other girls, I didn't date in high-school - or even in University. I had maybe one person that I "talked" to, but it never became anything serious.

Instead, I dedicated those years to friends, school, work, and building up my self-confidence.

I knew I wasn’t ready to date because I didn’t have the confidence I felt I needed to show up fully in a relationship. And if I’m being honest, boys scared me. I don’t know why - I have two brothers - but they just did.

So when that fateful day came, when I looked in the mirror and felt satisfied with what I saw, I thought: “This is it.”

I was ready to strut into the world, like all the other confident girls. Ready to find myself a hot new boo thang who would love me, cherish me, spoil me, and treat me like the glamorous princess I knew I was.

I finally felt worthy of love.

Little did I know - that was just the beginning of many failed relationships and hard, hard lessons.

For the longest time, I didn’t understand. Why couldn’t I find someone who saw my worth and showed up for me? I had worked so hard on my appearance. I was kind, loving, and appreciative. What was I missing?

Why did every potential relationship end in heartbreak?

It was easy to blame the other person the first time. But when it happened a second time, and then a third, I had to sit down and ask myself: “What am I doing wrong?”

Because I recognized, I was the common denominator.

Different people, different relationships, same outcome.

It took me a few years and one particular relationship for me to figure it out.

My belief that I was worthy of love, was based entirely on my outer shell - on what society deemed as physically "acceptable". Inside though, I was still that Kim - the Kim that felt rejected and unlovable.

The version of Kim that didn't understand the difference between a man lusting after her and a man who truly loves her.

Above all else, she lacked boundaries, standards, and a true understanding of how valuable she was.

She didn't truly see how the world now see's her. She still viewed herself as the "weird" little girl that didn't get any attention from boys.

So, when she finally got attention, she didn't understand that it wasn't genuine.

That these men didn't have the capacity to love her.

That they were only using her.

She had to learn, that just because she showed up as a version of herself that she thought was "loveable", didn't mean that others would love her.

That often, wolf dress themselves in sheep's clothing.

She had to learn to be discerning. That it was HER responsibility to protect herself.

And just to be clear - I’m not saying this to play the victim or get sympathy.

I don’t believe men are evil villains sent to destroy women. That’s not the point.

Do I believe what I went through was justified? Of course, not.

But I also understand that men are human. They have their own wounds, traumas, and insecurities - many of which they haven’t healed from.

Just like I’ve been hurt by men, I know there are good men out there who have also been hurt by women.

At the end of day, it's no one's responsibility to protect me, but me.

And honestly? I'm grateful for the experiences.

They not only made me more resilient, but they reflected back to me the things that I still needed to work on within myself.

Because of this, I was able to grow.

I learned boundaries. I learned standards. I learned to see red flags as red flags—not just “maybe” flags.

I learned to love someone from afar if loving them up close meant betraying myself.

I learned I could not "fix" someone else. That I didn't have the ability to do that as people only change if they want to.

Most importantly, I learned that it wasn't my responsibility to do that, it was theirs.

(And honestly? How would that person feel if they felt like you were only with them because you wanted to"fix" them. That you felt they needed "fixing" in the first place? It's honestly quite disrespectful if you think about it...oops.)

I finally learned what it meant to TRULY choose myself. What self-love really meant.

I learned that self-love was more than just putting on makeup, wearing pretty clothes, and putting on jewellery.

It was about truly embodying it in every choice.

To always choose my happiness above all else.

To love myself enough that I no longer put up with the mistreatment from others.

To no longer allow others to project their unhealed wounds and traumas onto me.

I stopped assuming people would treat me kindly just because I show up that way.

I stopped romanticizing potential.

I started seeing people for who they really are.

And finally, I understood: I deserve people who treat me with love, kindness, and respect.

People who are consistent, takes accountability, communicates, and values self-growth.

And those who can’t?

I learned to say no - especially those that wanted to make me feel small by making me feel like I should beg, chase, do cartwheels like a monkey performing in a circus to prove that I'm worthy of their love.

I don’t need to prove myself to anyone—because I already have.

I’ve proven myself to me.

I know what it took to become the woman I am today.

The time, the pain, the effort, the discipline.

So no - I refuse to go backwards.

I won’t go back to the insecure little girl who thought she had to earn love through struggle.

No one, and I mean absolutely no one, is worth it.

After all of these relationships, I never actually found the person who was able to love me the way that I deserved. However, I found something much more valuable - I found that love within myself. I found self-love.

I found my confidence. The confidence within myself to choose me.

The confidence in knowing that I can achieve whatever it is that I put my mind to.

The confidence to walk this journey of life alone while I wait for that right person to come along.

So until then, I'm going to continue to choose me. My own peace. My own happiness. My own self-love.

There's a saying, "you are who you surround yourself with".

So, let me ask you - do you like the people you surround yourself with?

Do they inspire you, motivate you, and make you feel like you're closer to the person you've always wanted to be?

I truly hope we can all achieve that beautiful life we deserve.

But that can only happen when we choose to take that first step towards it.

Please don't let fear stop you from having the life that you've always wanted.

The happiness that you deserve.